Economic downturns come in many convenient scaled sizes, from the kind that nets a $700 billion bailout to the kind that ruins one’s ability to order Pay Per View wrestling. 2008′s financial crisis saw the year’s technology market catering to reduced personal economies.
Marty Barrett reports:
Because we live Life to the fullest, we also live closest to Life’s molten, pulsing heart: and when Life’s magma turns to lava, we’d better watch out! That is why we didn’t need to be told recently that for the past year we’ve been in a recession – we knew it immediately.
And because my pirated copy of Quickbooks wouldn’t have accepted major purchases this year, 2008′s tech highlights were, in many cases, those of 1908, too, bringing new meaning to the term “business cycle.”
1. The Thermos
Invented as the “vacuum flask” in 1892, the current model, immediately dubbed Edward James Thermos, was purchased at a truck stop at the Arizona/California line for the same price as a bag of Starbuck’s coffee.
Its solid design, redundant leak protection, screwtop lids that provide hours of autistic enjoyment, and satisfying, enemy-threatening weight make it this year’s top item of personal technology (and probably next year’s too, unless things look up). Also, it keeps coffee respectably warm for 20 hours.
Original price: $13 Acquired: 2008
2. This Cheap USB Flash Drive Bracelet
Swag comes in many annoying flavors: the branded stress ball (or breast – ha ha ha!), the branded keychain, the branded plastic bag you keep your other swag in, the branded ballpoint (or worse, stick) pen, the branded travel pack of mints. I go to many conventions and have in recent years hoped to get a branded pack of matches so I could burn the expo center down.
But this year I attended a webmaster conference and found this 1 Gb USB flash drive bracelet in my branded by someone else plastic swag bag. Locked and loaded it looks like a Live Strong knockoff bracelet, so clients think that I’m supporting some noble cause when really I’ve just downloaded their Outlook files.
Original price: free Acquired: 2008
3. A Bike
It has been proven by the Journal of Invented Statistics that a bike is 97 percent less likely to be identified as a “beater” by a member of the opposite sex, whereas a 2007 Mercedes S class with 30,000 miles on it is almost guaranteed to be identified as a “piece of shit” by the frank woman holding up the bar next to you at the Airport Ramada.
This bicycle was purchased in 1998 for the amount I currently spend per month on gas. It has traveled across the country, been hit by a UPS truck, fell off a Honda at 50 mph, and negotiated traffic in Boston, New York, Philadelphia, and Los Angeles. When I’m feeling expansive, I fill up the tires for .50 at the gas station.
Original price: $300 Acquired: 1998
4. The iPal
Henry Kloss of Cambridge Sundworks designed this device in 2003. Not only is it an AM/FM stereo-quality radio, but it doubles as an auxiliary computer speaker with a 1/8″ input.
Furthermore, a coaster can be glued to the top of it and match-striking material can be glued to its side, just in case.
Or a coaster could be glued to its side and the iPal could be placed on its side with no diminution of sound or reception quality. (Virgin Mary, state of grace not included.)
Original price: $99 Acquired: 2004
5. Motorola RZR phone
Had I not entered into a two-year agreement, I could have bought this call-dropping, crappy picture-taking beauty for $499. As it was, I stole it for only $200 more than it has proven to be worth. When it was sent to me I also got one of those plastic recycling bags which I could use to send my old phone to a soldier.
But I didn’t have an old phone so the bag served as a portent that I would want to get this phone away from me, and I do.
The only thing keeping me from dumping Verizon and this phone is that AT&T’s service has somehow managed to be worse. How is that possible? The only way reception could be worse than AT&(“more bars in more places”)T’s would be if phone company representatives intercepted your calls before they connected and then went to the home of the person you were trying to call and shot him/her in the face (which I hear is what Sprint is planning).
So why include the product of a useless, overcharging, 2-year agreeing highway robber on a Best Of list, even one as dubious as this?
The alarm clock on the RAZR works really well.
Original price: $199 too much Acquired: 2007
Join us this time in 2009 when we review the earliest and latest in torches, dugout canoes, and burlap fastening materials.
Mavervorl Media is a shadowy content provider dealing in entertainment, technology, and academia. 