The Near-Futurist: iJustifying the douchePad

http://mavervorlmedia.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/douchepad.jpgJust because Apple’s iPad resists any attempt to justify its purchase, that doesn’t mean people like me won’t try to move little patches of heaven and earth to rationalize buying one.

Watch the progression:

It looks cool! I want the best one!

But how would you describe it?

It’s like a larger iPod Touch plus the data plan of an iPhone minus the camera capabilities. It’s also like a smaller laptop with up to 64 GB of Flash memory for entertainment and office applications.

So you’d still need a phone?

To be reasonable, Yes. Though it will support Voice over Internet (VoIP) programs like Skype, the iPad as a phone will look like the i-quivalent of the bricklike portable phones of “A Night at the Roxbury.”

Wait – I don’t want a phone with a $40 data plan plus an iPad with a $40 data plan in addition to the Internet I’m paying for at my home and office…

But the iPad looks cool.

But you’d still need a computer?

Well, yes. But it’s like a portable computer.

That’s what my laptop already is. Why do you want something that does all the things your laptop does already?

Because you can fling the iPad like a frisbee!

No you can’t.

Such is the iPad’s cool factor that it is causing people to search for ways to shoehorn it in to an existing personal technology profile. The iPad feels like the superfluous union dockworker the local mob boss makes you hire.

And, like the mob, Apple makes you pay for the dubious benefits it offers.

“Check it out! I can search the Internet on a larger portable screen without the hassle of unfolding it first!”

Now how much would you pay? Upwards of $800, depending.

According to our research, the only real advancement the iPad offers is in the arena of technological douchebaggery.

Now that garish, flashing bluetooth headsets are universally recognized as tools of tools and thus have lost that thin sheen of deniability that allows a douchebag to operate, the iPad may step in as a kind of douchePad Flava Flav.

Wearing an iPad like a necklace, douchebags can display the message of the day (“Hey Good Lookin’: Be back to pick you up later!”), a slideshow, or the weather in one’s pants (“Mudslides likely”).

We really want the iPad to fill an actual need, but it won’t.

That is why we will only buy two.

Previously: The iPhone alternative: a non-hysterical view; Suppressed hatred for original iPhone emerges as iPhone 3G debuts

See also: iPad